I’ll be going to the Minnesota State Fair tonight with a bunch of friends but there’s one slight problem. I’m broke. While this may be a problem for some people, a smart fair-goer can still have a blast on a shoestring budget. Here’s some tips.

Food:  Sweet Martha’s Cookie Jar has long been a fair favorite for those with a sweet tooth but did you know you can buy the dough frozen at many Twin Cities grocery stores for less than half the fair price?  I suggest buying some, baking them at home, storing them in plastic bags and smuggling them into the fair taped to your body (Bonus: your body heat will keep them nice and warm!).   If you’re a true entrepreneur,  you can bring extra to sell at cut rate prices.  Careful you don’t get caught, though.  Food vendors at the fair run things Mafia style and you don’t want to end up at the bottom of Ye Old Mill wearing a pair of deep fried butter shoes.  If this is too inconvenient for you you can always huff discarded bags of mini donuts for a quick sugar high.

Rides:  While the fair has many unique and exciting rides to offer, they’re also a bit pricey.   There are two things at the fair, however, that are free.  Your imagination and the tractors on Machinery Hill.  Just sit on top of one, move the steering wheel left and right and make engine noises with your mouth!  Now all that’s left to do is yell out “who needs money?” and start laughing like a maniac until the laughter slowly devolves into crying as you’re yelled at by a man in overalls in front of hundreds of spectators.

Midway:  So many games and so many prizes and so much money.  I’d love to get the best prize possible but that just isn’t possible with my current funds unless I play it smart. I had heard about the guy who started out with one red paperclip and through a series of trades was able to get a house. All I have to do is start with one shitty prize and trade my way up. This should be easy since I’m dealing with carnies and they’re basically American Gypsies and love to barter. So I’ll start by winning a plastic mustache. I’ll trade that up for a switchblade comb. Once I have the comb I’ll trade that up for an unlicensed Family Guy plush doll. That should fetch me a nice inflatable squeaky mallet. Once I have the mallet I can trade it in for the ultimate prize. The Guns N’ Roses Coke Mirror.

Booze:  Sneak it in.  Duh.

See you there at the fair!