Turtles love to have sex. And it’s creepy.

I mean, who doesn’t, right? Here’s the thing about turtles… they love to have sex so much, they are completely indiscriminate over who, or even WHAT they have sex with. They’ll just hobble right over and start humping.

Exhibit A: Sex with a ball-

Actually having a ball.

Exhibit B: Sex with a pot-

What’s cooking?

Exhibit C: A pile of logs-

Got Wood?

Exhibit D: Sex with what I think is a folded up bed sheet-

You’re supposed to do it *under* the covers, turtle!

Exhibit C: Sex with a boxing glove-

Ironically, that is not a boxing turtle.

The most common object of a turtle’s affection? The shoe.

They’re shoe fetishists, the lot of them. But that’s not the creepiest thing about turtle sex. Neither is the sound, which, if you can listen to the embedded videos, sounds like a bunch of delicate Japanese animated porn girls. Juxtaposed with with the hard shell and old man face on a turtle, it’s pretty creepy.

No. The creepiest part of turtles having sex is the face.

That’s not a one off. That is how turtles look having sex ALL THE TIME. It’s that same look that the awkward guy at the party makes after delivering a horrible joke, something supposed to be innuendo, but to blatant to actually be innuendo, but he thinks he’s clever, so he makes that “hey, do you get it? Eh? Eh?” face.

Yes turtle. We get it. You’re having sex. Well done.

I bring up turtle sex because in the news, two turtles tragically died while having sex. They were going at it, knocked over the heat lamp, which caught some wood chips on fire, burning down a personal conservatory and garage, along with the sex-craved turtles.

I bet the poor things lit up like candles. You know… ’cause turtle wax.

Eh? Eh? Get it? Eh?