My dad turns fifty…something today (pretty sure it’s 56) and he’s the best dad any kid could ask for.  Not only did he work hard to provide for his family and try to teach his kids the value of hard work and doing what was right (a little bit of that stuck, I’m sure), he was fun.  He went to great lengths to make sure that stuff like birthdays and holidays were special and memorable.   While he genuinely enjoyed doing all this for my siblings and I, he loved one thing above all else.

Pranking the ever loving shit out of us.

My favorite example goes back to 1990.  Nelson Mandela was just released from jail, the tabloids were all a buzz with the new romance between Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat and Stephen King’s “It” was adapted as a miniseries on ABC.  My parents urged me to go upstairs.  It was too scary.  I wouldn’t like it.  I told them “goddamnit, I’m not fucking five anymore.  I’m eight motherfucking years old and I think I can handle a little network television horror”.  It was a long time ago but I’m pretty sure that’s what I said.

It was the scariest god damn thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  I screamed, cried and covered my eyes on all the gory parts.  I even left the room at some parts but like an idiot kid, kept poking my head back in because I had to see what was going to happen next.  I had nightmares for a week and didn’t walk near a sewer grate for two years.

I rented “It” from blockbuster as a teenager (came on a whopping three VHS tapes!) to confront my childhood fears and I couldn’t believe what a pussy I was.  The thing that haunted my nightmares was Tim Curry?

The only people this guy should scare are right wing closet cases.

Nevertheless, I had a hard time getting to sleep after the first night of watching “It”.  I did eventually fall asleep, though and when I woke up the first thing I saw was a clown.  It was the Happy’s Potato Chip mascot* cut out of the cardboard box and hanging from the ceiling from a piece of string right above my face.  Taped to it was a word balloon that said “They all float down here, Billy and so will you!”  I shrieked and immediately heard an all to familiar maniacal laughter come from the kitchen.

It’s still nothing compared to the time he scared my sister’s friends so bad at the Halloween party they wouldn’t stop crying for five minutes (I helped with that one).

So happy birthday, dad!  I love you and I swear that one day I will have my revenge.

[*note:  I searched the internet up and down for an image of the Happy’s Potato Chip Clown and could not find a single picture.  I even read blog posts where people were looking for the image and called the company up (they’re still alive and kicking in NE Minneapolis) and the company wouldn’t even talk about it.  The only rational conclusion is that the Happy Potato Chip Clown was evil and banished from this realm, never to return.]