(Note: This is another one of my old blogs from MySpace. It’s green to recycle blog content. I’m doing this for the environment.)
Well, graduation season is in full swing and with my status of rags-to-riches-local-boy-done-good-cinderella-story media mogul I find myself getting quite a few offers to be the commencement speaker at many ceremonies. The pay kind of sucks (mostly just honorary degrees and leftover veggie trays) but I speak at as many as I can because I truly believe that children are our future. I also feel that a free veggie tray is a free fuckin’ veggie tray am I right?!? Score!
Anyway, here’s the speech I’ve been running with so far.
Good afternoon class, faculty, parents, families and creepy guys that graduated 2 years ago but are here because they’re dating seniors. As I look down at all of your young, eager faces just hungry for the challenges of the future I remember when I was your age. On my graduation, as I sat down in the auditorium listening to the local fire chief give his speech I remember thinking of how he spoke nothing of fire safety or how we should deal with fiery situations when we enter college or the work force. I mean, he’s the fire chief, right? I think that if you’re speaking at something important like a graduation you’d work with your strong points but he didn’t even utter so much as a stop, drop and roll.
He didn’t even talk about how cool it is to be a fireman or how they have that pole in the firehouse that they slide down when there’s a fire. You’d think that if you’re talking to young people the fire pole would be your opener, you know? Get them interested right off the bat.
I then thought that maybe our principal was kind of a procrastinator and this guy was all he could get on short notice. You gotta plan early if you want to get a good speaker like that guy who was hiking and cut his own arm off when it got pinned under a rock. That guy books MONTHS in advance.
Man, that guy. The arm guy? That guy can pretty much get laid wherever he goes. He can pretty much just walk into any bar and have his pick of the litter. Most guys that are missing an arm have to work that much harder to get any kind of tail but this guy has pretty much the best story ever. He might be married, though. I’m not sure.
I guess my point is that when you leave this arena and enter college or the workforce, you have many career paths. Should your career choice be that of a high school principal, make sure to book your commencement speakers well in advance or else you’ll be stuck with some fire chief who won’t even break out his “A” fire material. Thank you. (hold for applause)