The Winter Games begin on February 6 and I will not watch any of the events for two big reasons. The first is an act of ineffectual slactivist protest against Russia’s stance on homosexuality. Most people know that Russia passed a bill outlawing “exposing minors to homosexual propaganda” last summer. This sparked protests that turned violent and many gay rights activists have been beaten, arrested and even beaten by police.



While this and other laws (such as one barring foreign same sex couples from adopting Russian children) have created an atmosphere of institutionalized homophobia in Russia, it’s not the only reason to boycott the Winter Olympics this year. The other reason I won’t be watching is because the Winter Olympics are fucking stupid and boring.



Seriously. Let’s just look at some of the events that I’ll be “missing out” on this year –

The most thrilling event in the Winter Olympics is just two layers of spandex away from being a very strange gay fetish porn (which makes you wonder why Putin would even allow this event). It showcases amazing athletic feats such as laying down, being aerodynamic and turning at the right moment. The only thing that makes this event exciting is the danger of possible crashes and the Olympic Committee added several uphill portions of the tracks this year to cut down on the speed and excitement of this game.




It’s the sport that’s so boring I’m certain even the participants only enjoy it ironically, it’s the sport that’s so boring the Canadians always dominate it. It’s the sport that combines all the thrills of sweeping with the excitement of slowly gliding rocks over ice. It’s Curling!




I don’t know if cross country skiing was so boring they added rifles to jazz it up or target shooting was too exciting so they added cross country skiing to cut the fun but the result is something I really don’t want to watch.



This protest is going to be easy even by slactivist standards.

Hey, there, open mic comics and Jena’s Ren Fest friends! Sorry about the lack of blogs in the last month but I’m back to a twice a week schedule starting next week and I thought I’d mark my return with a very important announcement! I’m going to murder my friends!



See, a while back a group of my friends from lunch money days started playing Settlers of Catan. I had never played the game before but really got into it right away and played it with them a few times on game night. This has been going on for a while but due to everybody having different work schedules and family obligations, we haven’t had a night where all five of us could get together and play the expansion. Tonight, however, we’ve all made sure that our schedule was clear so we could have a couple of games with the whole group.

It’s become a little tradition among us. Some games, some snacks, some beers, and some pre-game smack talk to get the blood pumping. Now, I’m not one to shit talk an opponent to try to psych them out but I will say this: I am going to humiliate these fuckers so bad that they will either die of shame induced heart attacks or commit a very well deserved suicide.



I hope you’re reading this Ben, Tony, Josh and Brian because you should spend the day getting your affairs in order. I will beat you so hard at Settlers of Catan you will fucking die. You will fall over dead at the table and I will squeeze out a little pinch of victory poo on your stupid dead loser faces.



Oh, but it doesn’t end there.



I’ll attend each of your funerals and tell everybody about the pathetic, humiliating circumstances of your demise. The once somber mourners will laugh and laugh in your face. I’ll bed your wives at the funeral and your mothers at the wake. Your children will grow up pariahs, the name they were given now synonymous with failure and shame. They’ll eventually band together and seek me out for revenge but they shall fall just as you did when they were pups and the cycle shall continue.



I am going to eat your fucking hearts.