Well, the search is over! I have a new roommate starting Nov. 1st! I’d like to do my best to help make the transition to a new home as smooth as possible but there are a few rules that need to be established so here’s a copy of the email I’m sending him later.
Hey, Josh! Welcome to your new home! Now, I’m a pretty easygoing guy but I do need to establish just a few roommate rules for you. Nothing big.
1. There’s a circle of salt poured around the bathroom. DO NOT BREAK THE CIRCLE. This place is super haunted by pervy ghosts and this prevents them from watching you shower.
2. Do not laugh at the obscene amount of peanut butter in the pantry.
3. If you bring a girl home I get to invoke droit du seigneur. Look it up.
4. Sometimes you may see me bringing down a bucket of meat scraps to the basement. Sometimes you might hear noises coming out of the basement. I’t probably just best that you stay out of the basement.
5. Whenever you talk about where you live to other people you have to refer to it as Pusspound Mountain.
6. This is a soft shell taco household. I will not tolerate any of that hard shell bullshit. Double decker is acceptable.
7. Every now and then some people are going to come over, we’re going to dress up like sports team mascots and have sex. It’s up to you if you want to be weird about it. You might want to just steer clear the 2nd Tuesday of the month.
8. Don’t tell anybody I’m actually a Russian spy.
If we can just follow these simple rules then I think we’ll get along famously!