We’re gonna change things up a little today here. While I was pretty much done talking about the whole divorce thing and didn’t want to make it seem like I was milking this for attention and creative fodder, my sister texted me the other day saying she had written a blog on my divorce. She forwarded it to me, I really liked it and decided there was no problem milking this for attention and creative fodder so for the first time in the site’s history we have a guest post! Thanks for writing this, Mandi and enjoy the feeling of satisfaction of knowing your writing is being seen by literally dozens of Jena’s renfest friends!
So My Brother’s Getting a Divorce by Mandi Hicks
That’s right folks, you read correctly, my brother is getting a divorce.
Typical.
As if my inferiority complex weren’t cemented by being both the youngest child and the only girl, now this asshole is getting a divorce?
There’s no competing with that kind of event!!!
My family is sure to shower Bill with loads of attention and there’s only so much to go around people. I need to protect my share!
You may be asking yourself, why don’t you just get divorced too? Believe me friends, I considered this. I admit, it would be an excellent opportunity to provoke the validation of my family by forcing them to choose whom to love and support most, but alas, I fear what I might find and my sickening co-dependency (a sure byproduct of living life in Bill’s fame grabbing shadow) will not tolerate such a separation. That, and my husbands a pretty cool guy.
But never fear adoring and sympathetic audience! This girl knows how to think outside of the box! Using my abnormally large and magnificent brain to storm, I produced several brilliant strategies to combat Bill’s pathetic self-indulgence.
An intentionally unsuccessful suicide attempt, fake pregnancy, stripping, gender transition were amongst my ideas, all paths would surely lead me to success but ultimately, I settled on adopting a meth habit. After all, there are some really nice treatment facilities in MN. Perhaps even Bill himself would make time to visit me on family day. That is if he and Jena can taking a break from rimming each other while exalting how much they still love and respect one another. Way to be all mature, kind and loving (jerks). You know who else manipulated through inspirational messages? Hitler.
Knowing what needed to be done I made my way to the south metro to get my hands on some meth. On my way I stopped into Don Pablo’s and that’s where I met him. Like an oasis in the desert he appeared before me. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m SO pleased to introduce you to New Bill!!
fiesta style
Of course! Why didn’t I think of it sooner?!?! I could just kill Bill and replace him with a New Bill! New Bill could call off the divorce, thus eliminating the threat to my share of family attention.
Sure, killing Bill and replacing him with his nacho cheesier duplicate is going to be a lot of work but I’m confident it will be worth it. After all, he comes with great reviews.
“He saved me from Meth!” – Amanda Hicks
Not to mention he throws some wicked awesome birthday parties.
Enjoy your spotlight while you still have it Bill Young. Oh and Steve Young, I wouldn’t get to comfortable.