It came a little late this year but summer is starting to rear it’s ugly, mosquito ridden head in Minnesota. Temperatures are starting to rise and the humidity is increasing, things that make life miserable if you’re fat and hairy like me. If you’re also painfully poor like me, you probably don’t have central AC in your home and the one window unit you have is so old and shitty it doesn’t do anything except drive up your electric bill-
Also it doesn’t fit in the window very well and bugs get in.
In fact, a lot of summertime cool-down activities may be out of your financial reach. Air conditioned movie theater? Maybe a matinee if you find some change in the couch cushion. Water park? Doubtful. Here’s a few things you can do to beat the heat if you’re on a shoestring budget.
COLD SHOWERS
They’re not just for relieving sexual frustration anymore! Cold showers are a great way to cool off on a hot day. If you’re renting, chances are you’re not paying for water. Since this is America, water is an unlimited resource that will never run out. Take three cold showers a day and try not to think about Africa!
FREEZE POPS
Freezies, freeze pops, fla-vor-ice, stickless popsicles, bag-of-frozen-corn-syrup. Whatever you call these things there’s two undeniable truths: The blue ones are the best and they’re cheap as hell. You can get a bag of 50 of these for just a few bucks or if you’re really looking to splurge, some gas stations have the giant ones for 50 cents.
GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE AND PRETENDING TO SHOP FOR FROZEN FOOD
Chances are if you’re going to the grocery store you’re only there to pick up beans, bread or ramen but that can’t stop you from going to a frozen food aisle. There is no law preventing you from opening a freezer door and pretending like you’re going to get something but can’t decide what. You can spend all the time you want debating whether you want frozen corn or frozen peas before leaving with neither of them. Put one of them on your head for a little bit, it feels wonderful on a hot day. Who’s going to say something? Would you confront the crazy person at the store putting frozen veggies on their head? Go ahead and walk around the store with frozen peas on your head while you do the remainder of your shopping and then just put them back when you’re done. Nobody fucks with the guy with peas on his head.
SELLING YOUR SOUL
When you make a pact with a demon they plunge their claws into your heart and rip out the essence of what makes you unique and loved. The emptiness that is left inside of you feels like a cold, unfillable void that chills your core no matter what the temperature. Plus you can sell your soul for a decent air conditioner or something.
Stay cool out there!