I posted a few weeks back about how the Surgeon General is putting new warnings on cigarette packs that take up nearly half the pack and offer pretty graphic images –

Well it seems that these honest businessmen are sick of being picked on and bullied so they’re suing the federal government.   The lawsuit states “Never before in the United States have producers of a lawful product been required to use their own packaging and advertising to convey an emotionally-charged government message urging adult consumers to shun their products” then the lawyer most likely muttered under their breath “granted, never before in the United States has a lawful product killed such a large percentage of people by using said product as directed BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT”.

Amongst the many complaints is that the images were doctored to produce a more emotional response.  Specifically, in the “healthy lung / diseased lung” (top left), the healthy lung was scrubbed to look more healthy.  Okay, I can actually see where they’d have a problem but one of the complaints is that the stitched up corpse (center right) is actually an actor with a fake scar!  So… they would rather have an actual cadaver displayed on their packs instead of this (rather convincing.  I couldn’t even tell he was alive in the picture) actor?

I say good luck to you, big tobacco.  Don’t let the man get you down and fight the power because nothing is more honest and American than a sociopathic quest for money that leaves a trail of millions of corpses behind it!

Hello, people who came to this blog via The Stranger! If you’re new to the site (i.e. not a friend, family member or person I forced one of my business cards on after a show) let me tell you about what we do around here. My name is Bill and I’m a part time comedian / full time housewife. I usually blog here once a day about stupid news stories, semi autobiographical bullshit, shameless plugging of my shows, fake detective stories and only the highest caliber of classy, cerebral political satire available on the internet.

Now that we got that out of the way, here’s some pictures of republican presidential candidates fellating food.

Careful, Rick. Those sticks have pointy tips.

Okay, I’ll admit this is a cheap shot.  Gov. Perry is at the Iowa State Fair, you can’t go to a State Fair without picking up a corn dog and it’s impossible to eat one of those things without looking like you’re auditioning for a ticket on the Bangbus.  Sure, you could eat it from the side but then it might fall off the stick so it’s really just best to dive in.  Besides, it doesn’t really look that much like you’re actually giving a blow job when you’re eating a corndog and HELLO…

The wry smile on the man in the lower left corner is priceless.

Here’s Rep. Michele Bachmann also at the Iowa State Fair showing Perry how shit gets DONE.  Seriously.  Who conducted the straw poll this year, Vivid?

Again, these are low blows.  It’s impossible to eat one of those things without looking a little porny but Bachmann looks like she’s trying to prove a point or something.

Well, I think that’s it so… wait a minute.  Santorum!

Seriously?  Soft Serve?  Shit like this is why you finished 4th.  Man up and have a corn dog.

In all honesty I’m going to have to make sure there’s no cameras around next time I dive into a kielbasa if I ever want to run for office.

Many LGBT youths can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. Some of them throw themselves so far into the closet they become republican, pursue a career in politics, get elected to office and constantly vote against marriage equality and gay rights. To those people like Indiana State Rep. Phillip Hinkle who was recently caught soliciting gay sex with a much younger man for money in a “sugar daddy” situation I have a message for you.

It gets better.

You may think that there’s no future for you but this is just the beginning. You can come out of the closet now. Everybody knows you’re gay. A part of you is going to want to deny, deny , deny but that never works. Just look at closeted gay republican anti gay equality politicians like Larry Craig, Robert Allen, Roy Ashburn, Richard Curtis, Jim West, Ed Schrock and many, many, seriously quite a few (so many!) others. They’ll say things like they just wanted some toilet paper from the guy in the next stall or they only offered to blow the guy for $20 because they’re afraid of black people but everybody knows, their careers are ruined and they’re unhappy. This doesn’t have to be you.

As an openly gay man, you wouldn’t have to worry about trolling craigslist for sex when you can just go to a gay bar for free. You won’t have to worry about media scrutiny and most of all you won’t have to constantly attempt to make openly gay people second class citizens because you can’t come to terms with the fact that you’re attracted to men. It does get better.

You may think you’re alone but you’re not. If the last 50 republican sex scandals have taught us anything, it’s that pretty much any republican who votes against gay marriage is most likely a closeted homosexual. Just like you, Rep. Hinkle. You’re not alone. It gets better.

I know you’ve been like this for many years and it’s hard to change. You’ve always known you were gay but didn’t want other people to know. You saw how openly gay people were bullied and thought if you bullied them even harder nobody would suspect your homosexuality so you became the biggest bully of all, a republican politician. So many years you’ve lived this lie but it’s over now. You’re an old, old super old gay man. The sooner you embrace that, the sooner it will get better.

If you need any more encouragement, you can watch the videos at itgetsbetter.org and hear the kind, inspiring words of loving people that you’ve been trying to politically curb stomp your entire career.

Here’s Yatta.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW6M8D41ZWU]

It’s one of the oldest memes around but still gets me every time. I still laugh every time the leaf turns to hope.

Went to bed with a bit of a tickle in my throat and woke up this morning with a full blown cold. Sore throat, fever, all that jazz. I was going to run a lot of errands and do some chores today but now all I can do is rest up…

rest up, find out who did this to me and have my revenge.

POSSIBLE SUSPECTS:

Brody – He was getting over a cold last week when we worked together but I don’t remember eating off his plate or making out with him. He was also on the tail end of the cold and I think you’re less contagious towards the end (I actually have no evidence to back that up but I heard it a few times so it works for me).

Jena – She hasn’t been sick recently but I do share a lot of kisses and such with her (it’s okay. We’re married. God approves).

Last Week’s Audience I ended up shaking hands with a lot of filthy mall people (no offense if you were in the crowd last week. I’m not talking about you).

The Government It may just be the fever talking but I am a pretty high profile target and they now have me right where they want me. In my underwear with a sheet wrapped around me. They think they can weaken me with the way they put corn syrup in everything but I know better! YOU CAN’T FOOL ME, G-MEN!

I’m going to nap now. For more information on the government, consult a screaming homeless man.

I write blog titles like this and wonder why I get pervy search engine clicks for this site. Oh well.

Southwest and Delta announced they will roll back a 10% increase from last month due to federal tax increases. Essentially what happened was a federal tax expired. Airlines were charged this and in turn, charged the customer to cover the tax. Once the tax expired they didn’t lower the price and were keeping the money for themselves. It’s incredibly unethical but not unexpected in an industry that wrings customers’ wallets for every last penny (but somehow is always going bankrupt). After a month they decided to roll back the fee even though the tax is being collected again.

One may wonder how they could continue to collect a tax that didn’t exist but they were able to do it by breaking it up and hiding it in small fees included in every ticket price. Here’s a breakdown.

$1.25 – “Air Marshall” fee (badge given to customer at random to wear on plane to scare off potential terrorists)

$5 – Free Peanuts

$3 – Celebrity Gawk Fee (curtains to first class will be left open just a crack if somebody famous is on the plane)

$2 – Mile High Club membership dues (includes drink discounts, decoder ring and monthly newsletter)

$5 – Ass, Grass or Gas. Nobody Rides For Free Fee (Ass, Grass not accepted)

$3 – Kevin Smith Fee (pays for 2nd seat for fat celebrities i.e. John Goodman, that guy from Lost, most republican talk show hosts)

$2 – Flight Attendant Anti-Depressant Prescription Fee

$6 – Deadly Scanner Radiation Fee

Now that I’ve finally made a joke about airline peanuts, my work here is done (puts on sport coat, time travels back to the ’80s).

I had written a few weeks ago about a Minnesota city council member mailed himself a fake grenade for stupid reasons. Now there’s a story about how the worst kidnapper broke into somebody’s home in Australia, strapped a fake bomb around her neck with a ransom note attached and left.

Is this a new thing now? Is “fake bombs” a fad? Am I going to have to buy a bowling ball and a short length of rope just to be cool?

I just don’t understand the logic on this one. Did the fake bomber actually believe people were just going to take his word that it was a bomb and then pay him? Also, wouldn’t he have to be present to “disarm” his “bomb” or did he just plan on saying “gotcha!” once he got the money? I really don’t get how this guy thought it was going to go down. What did that ransom note even look like?

“If you want your daughter to live I want 50,000 Australian kangaroo dollars. I’ll come over in 24 hours. The device will explode in 25 hours. Once you give me the money, I’ll disarm the device. Only I know how. Don’t try to disarm it yourself! It will, uh, explode! Yeah… explode. Once I’ve disarmed the device I assume you’ll let me leave with the money since I was nice enough to disarm it.”

Crazy Australians with your Vegemite and fake neck bombs.

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State Fair season is nigh upon us, bringing rigged carnival games, nauseating rides, contests about the biggest animal or vegetable that nobody gives a shit about and most importantly, food. Disgusting, calorie crammed unimaginable food that should never be deep fried but is always deep fried. Food that most people would be ashamed to eat alone in their homes but will gladly shovel into their mouths in front of thousands of other fairgoers because it’s okay. It’s the State Fair.

At the Minnesota State Fair you can start your day with breakfast options like the Scotch Egg (hardboiled egg, wrapped in sausage, breaded, deep fried and served with sauces like ranch dressing or maple syrup) or the Fudge Puppy (waffle covered in chocolate, whipped cream or sprinkles). For lunch you can have a Foot Long Corndog and wash it down with a Mashed Potato Sundae. For dinner you can just grab a bucket of Sweet Martha’s Cookies, plop up to the All the Milk You Can Drink booth and wonder why the rest of the world thinks America is filled with gluttonous assholes.

While I thought the Minnesota State Fair was paving the way for turning us all into that guy from the movie “Seven”, it turns out the New York State Fair has made a breakthrough in culinary assisted suicide with the new Donut Burger. When I first heard about it I wondered if it was a burger flavored donut or a donut flavored burger? Turns out it’s a Bacon Cheesburger in between two slices of grilled, glazed Donut. Eat that thing and you’ve just downed 1,500 calories or nearly three Big Macs (Big Macs are the standard unit of fatass food measurment).

I don’t know what is sadder, the fact that something like this exists or that I’d totally eat it.

Hey, friends fans and search engine pervs!  A lot going on in the next week. Highlander: The Musical! is at the Minnesota Fringe and all of the sword fighty stuff was choreographed by our very own Jena!

Once you’ve had enough swords and songs head on down to Rick Bronson’s House of Comedy where I’ll be opening for the hilarious Mike Brody (hosted by Brian “Mr. Thick Dick” Miller)!

Come on back to the blog tomorrow and I’ll post some funny when the claws of sleep deprived madness aren’t sinking into my brain! ;ALSEINVA;LSDKVNALKDNF;AKLDF!