Internet banner ad tricks have had a weird and interesting history.  Remember when you’d visit a site and a banner ad would tell you that you were the one millionth visitor and you won a car (or something equally implausible)?  Then in the crazy days of myspace there were the banner ads with  a “game” where you would have to shoot the cans off the fence to win a free ringtone.  These days, most banner ads seem to just be a fake news article with a picture attached that has nothing to do with said article –

The above fake news links were in a huffington post article.

1.  Commanders Hate Him.  Why?  Is it because he refuses to wear a shirt into battle?  How is  this a “Health Headline”?

2.  Dermatologists’ Best Keptsecret is trying to suck an egg?  What?  I don’t…  Why?

3.  One Wierd Trick to Stay Asleep all night is to dye half of your hair and look like you haven’t slept in days, I guess?  Does weird dreadlock girl know the trick to staying asleep?

Then there’s this one I got off of CNN.

Kissing brains leads to happier living.  Boston researchers have proven it.  Thanks, EverydayLifestyles!

The dumbest and most common ads I see are for ClassesUSA.

Why are the pictures for each age group all the same? I should also point out that this ad was actually animated to show color slowly filling up the pictures.

ClassesUSA has been responsible for other nonsensical ads in the past like “Obama tells Moms to go to school!” accompanied by a dancing  baby or old man or something.   Turns out they’re a huge scam. I looked them up and Ripoff Report has a bunch of complaints against them. Basically the site just gives your contact info to a bunch of diploma mills (fake colleges that give you fake degrees for little to no study).  The real kicker came when I saw a classesUSA report ad on a ripoff review complaint for classesUSA

I don’t know who is in charge of ad sales at classesUSA but I have to assume it’s a chimpanzee with a drinking problem.  Also, a picture of a chimpanzee with a drinking problem would be a great picture to go on one of their inane banner ads.

Hi.  We haven’t really talked in a while.  I’m willing to admit that I haven’t been the best at keeping up with old friends and acquaintances.   It’s something I need to work on but communication is a two way street and you’re dead.  That doesn’t help things.

I recently invited you to an event on facebook.  This isn’t the first time I’ve done this.  You haven’t responded yet and I don’t think you will because you haven’t responded to any event invites since you died and that’s okay.  I just wanted to say that I don’t expect you to punch through the veil of the afterlife and walk among the living once again just to see me host an open mic.

Don’t take this personally but you were kind of invited by accident.  When I start inviting people to events I take care in the beginning to not invite people who-

A)  Live in another state

B)  Obviously wouldn’t go to such an event

C)  Hates me but is still facebook friends with me for some reason

D)  Is dead.

The amount of attention paid to who I’m inviting to a facebook event, however, usually putters out right around the “B” names and I just begin clicking on everyone because it’s easier and I can let my mind drift.

This probably isn’t the last event I’m going to invite you to, either.  As time goes on and creating these events feels more and more pointless not even the “A” and “B” names that live far away will be safe from me inviting them to some karaoke night, comedy show or whatever ego fueling bullshit I need to tell everybody about.  The only way that this would stop is if I unfriended you and that isn’t about to happen.  I know you’re dead and don’t care if I’m still your friend on facebook but my Catholic guilt and Minnesota nice are mixing together and manifesting in weird ways in the age of digital communication and social networking.

So please don’t feel like you’re offending me because you’re not coming to my facebook events and I hope to see you at my barbecue next week.

The biggest problem with a lot of Christians is how they mischaracterize Christ. They assign qualities and opinions to him that were never mentioned in the bible. Christ is a very malleable personality for a lot of people but not for Stephen Sawyer, the artist who is the focus of a recent Guardian article and the man behind art4god.com. To him, Jesus is the not only the son of God but also of Kenny Loggins and Patrick Swayze’s character in “Roadhouse”. A man’s man with huge biceps, a square jaw and sweet tattoos.

From the article, Sawyer says “I scarcely think Jesus could have overturned the tables of the money-lenders and driven them from the temple if he was a wimp. The model I use for my paintings is a surfer guy who’s built like a brick shithouse.” You’re God blessed right, Sawyer. My jesus squat thrusts his crucifix, nails himself to it, spits blood in the face of his Roman torturer and says “is that all you got?”

The website has a ton of original portraits of Jesus being all badass but they’re protected by copyright (copyrighted? Copyritten?), I can’t repost without permission and that ain’t happening anytime soon so click the links below (totally worth it) for some of my favorites from art4god.

Fireman’s Prayer: Sure, firemen are heroes but the real hero is Jesus. The biggest hero of all? Jesus as a firefighter.

A one armed biker guy shoots Jesus full of heroin: Man, Jesus does not look like he’s having fun doing heroin. The point, according to the accompanying text on the page, is that “when you’ve done it unto the least of these, you’ve done it unto me” and “Only God will share in the fullness of your sufferings and never forsake you”. Or the pressures of sitting at the right hand of the lord have just become too much for him.

and in this corner in the blue trunks, Jesus!: Here’s Jesus in a boxing ring because metaphorical fighting to save us from our sins deserves a literal interpretation (also holy shit his gloves say “Mercy”!). The name of the portrait is “Undefeated” so I guess that whole bout with the Romans was just an exhibition match.

Jesus kidnaps a lamb and climbs a mountain: Another in the series of “Literal interpretations of metaphor” paintings, Jesus literally puts himself in literal harm’s way for a literal lamb but for some reason the look of mischief on his face makes you think he’s stealing it.

Heaven is a 21+ club with a $5 cover on Fridays and Saturdays. The name of the portrait is “hero” but it should be “bouncer”.

Jesus loves his father: and he shows it with this bitchin’ tattoo. “What do you mean, have I read Leviticus?”

I’m all for this testosterone filled Jesus. I can’t wait to commission this guy to do some oil paintings of Jesus in the ring wrestling with Macho Man Randy Savage.

I'm comin' for youuuuuuuuuuuu, Jesus son of god Christ man. I got my thiiiiiiiiiirrrrrty pieces of silver but I won't need a cross this Sunday because you ain't gonna rise this tiiiiiiiiime!

Rest in peace, Macho Man.  You died for our sins.

I want to start this by saying I hate bachelorette parties. I hate them because I’m a comedian. At some awful point in history it was decided that going to a comedy club would become a bachelorette party tradition and everything was ruined forever.

Pretty much everything about them demands your attention. They’re loud, they show up drunk, they wear the shiniest, sparkliest, gaudiest things imaginable (sometimes with flashing lights), they usually have some sort of dildo on hand (I’ve seen everything from a penis squirt gun to a four foot tall inflatable penis) and they’re usually selling something for some reason (the most popular item is a bunch of shitty liquor store grade suckers scotch taped to a white tee shirt with the words “Suck For a Buck” written on the shirt in Sharpie). It seems like this would be the worst group to walk into a comedy show but most clubs actually encourage them to come because 8 girls paying admission and drinking pitcher after pitcher of daiquiris through penis straws means money for the club.

I don’t think you’ll ever find a comedian that loves to see a bachelorette party at their show but I digress. Last week my friend, comedian and professional cryptohumorologist Mike Brody was working at a club in Loughvulggh, KY when he was told that a bachelorette party would be running late and showing up in the middle of his set. He decided to pull a prank on them (shown below).

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XhOrbTwFBE&w=420&h=345]

God bless you, Mike Brody.

A Huffington Post Article from today reports that Dick Cheney’s Memoir, “In My Life”, he urged bush to bomb a suspected nuclear reactor in 2007. Here’s some other facts leaked from the memoir.

* Chapter five is just a list of the names of 99 other senators he wished he had told to fuck off.

*Location of stash of Nazi gold.

* Heart attacks 3, 4 were just an excuse to spend time with cute nurse in Cardiology.

* The pride he felt teaching President Bush to ride a bicycle.

* Was molested by Nixon when serving as a staffer for Donald Rumsfeld in 1969.

* Was “totally embarrassed” when he and Pope Benedict both dressed as Emperor Palpatine for the 2007 Illuminati Halloween Party / Costume Contest.

* That “it takes some serious King Kong balls” to shoot somebody in the face and have them apologize for it.

*Valerie Plame’s current whereabouts.

*15 pages of scowling photographs.

google image search "Dick Cheney". The real scary ones are when he's smiling.

The memoir is expected to be released next week.  Buy it wherever horrible books are sold.

With fall fast approaching and Football season ready to begin I seriously could not care less. I don’t even want to use up the energy it takes to google when football season starts. I never have given and never will give a shit about football (or any sport, really). That’s okay. I don’t look down upon people who do, I just can’t get into it. This makes having conversations with guys in the fall really difficult. Also, living in Uptown, Minneapolis, part of my lease agreement states that I can only enjoy non traditional sports ironically. Here’s a few hipster approved sports for all you uptown weirdos.

KICKBALL

Nothing says “Take that, conventional sports!” like organizing a bunch of adults to play a game meant for children.  While this does have things that hipsters hate like running, throwing and kicking, it more than makes up for that with it’s encouragement of brightly colored uniforms and drinking during and after play.  Hell, most people only join kickball leagues so they can go to the bar with the rest of the team afterwards.

RUGBY

This one might seem like an odd choice because it’s physically more demanding, competitive and brutal than any other sport on the planet but this one is safe to follow for two reasons.

1.  It’s popular in Europe.

2.  Homosexuals love it.

That’s right.  The International Gay Rugby Association and Board or “IGRAB” has over 20 teams in the USA alone.   Supporting alternative lifestyle and alternative sports at the same time?  Sign me up!

QUIDDITCH

Okay, I honestly thought of this one as a joke and then I looked it up.  People actually play that sport from Harry Potter. Wow. The U of M actually has a team.

Below is a list of things that you can get a bunch of friends to do with you and as long as you make jerseys for yourselves, it’s a hipster sport!

Hopscotch
Potato Sack Racing
Pogs
Freeze Tag
Tree Climbing
Staring Contest
Double Dutch
snowball fight
Competitive Truth or Dare

Sports!

Remember when Donald Trump and Sarah Palin were the front runners for republican nomination?  I miss that.  It seems like just yesterday that the Tea Party psychos were calling the shots and the republican primary was going to be a fucking circus full of unelectable morons who constantly vomit wildly inaccurate verbal diarrhea from their stupid mouths.  Even Bachmann’s viability is in question now that it’s been revealed that she practically fixedthe Iowa Straw Poll.  It seems that a new front runner is emerging. Texas Governer and corn dog deep-throater Rick Perry.

Although he’s the current Governor of Texas and was George W. Bush’s Lieutenant Governor, people are quick to say he’s not some Bush: The Sequel. In fact, he’s more Texan than Bush.  How is he more Texan than Bush?  Well, for one, he carries a fucking gun everywhere he goes.

Governor Perry on the campaign trail.

In the above linked article, he proudly proclaims that he carries a gun when he’s out jogging to fend off wild animals (on one jog he shot a coyote who was threatening his dog).  When asked if he’d carry around a gun during his campaign he didn’t answer and added “That’s why they’re called ‘concealed'”.

Let’s ignore the fact that a man seeking the highest office in the United States is offering riddles, half answers and winks about carrying a fucking firearm around and, if nominated, he’ll have a secret service detail to protect him so having a gun at that point it little more than overcompensating for a tiny penis.  Is this really the guy you want as your man, Republicans?  What happens if, during the primaries, Bachmann says something inflammatory and wildly inaccurate about Perry (it’s a stretch but it could happen)?  Will he just pull out a white glove, slap her in the face and challenge her to a duel?  Pistols at dawn would spell doom for Bachmann if all she has to defend herself is a replica musket stuffed full of tea bags.

Don’t mess with Texas, people.

My weekend of bachelorhood was pretty uneventful.  I watched some movies, did some cleaning, made some curry and drank some beer.

Oh, I also bought Oreo’s newest fat delivery system, the The Triple Double Oreo.

Each package comes with a free suicide note safety pinned to a pair of dirty sweatpants

The Triple Double Oreo, which I can only assume was the brainchild of a Nabisco executive eating a Big Mac and thinking “This is tasty but what if it was a cookie?” Is a layer of cookie, a layer of creme (cream?  I don’t know what the proper spelling would be in this situation.  I’m gonna go with creme), another layer of cookie, a layer of chocolate creme and a layer of cookie.  After years of smashing cookies together in Nabisco’s LBC (Large Biscuit Collider) to try to find sweets that have only been theorized in the past, the Triple Double Oreo was finally born.

The only question remaining is where does Oreo go next?  Smooshing two cookies together and calling it one cookie is only the latest in their many, many variations of the Oreo but it feels like they’re running out of options. If any Nabisco idea people read this blog, you can have this idea for free.

OREO:  JUST THE CREME

This can be the product for all the Oreo creme lovers out there.  It’s like an Oreo cookie but without the cookie.  Inside the package is just a mass of creme.  I realize that eating that can be a bit of a mess without a spoon but I got that covered, too.  The package is a caulking gun.  Just point the nozzle at your mouth, pull the trigger, open wide, let the creme gush out and….

Okay, this sounds a lot more like a porn script than it did in my head five minutes ago.  Scratch the caulking gun.

I’ll get back to you on the packaging but think about it.  Oreo: Just the Creme.

Over the next seven weekends Jena will be working the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. With Jared at his dad’s for the weekends and me with no work in August, this means that I’ll be home alone for the next several weekends. Completely alone. This is going to be a great opportunity for me to devolve back to the feral bachelor I was before Jena rescued and domesticated me. Here are my weekend plans so far.

PANTS – Not going to wear them.

FOOD- The trick to eating alone is to create as few dirty dishes as possible.  This means eating food right out of the pot it was cooked in (i.e. mac n’ cheese) and possibly with the wooden spoon used to cook it.  Other foods such as peanut butter, tuna etc. can be eaten right out of the jar or can.  Unfortunately, a fork or spoon may be needed for these but if you have a roll of toilet paper in arm’s reach you can use that as a napkin and eat with your hands.

BOOZE – I shall construct a beeramid, one that shall touch the sky to house my remains, possessions and servants.  A beeramid so grand that mighty Anubis shall bow down before it!  That, or one as tall as a twelve pack of PBR will allow.

In all honestly I’ll probably just lose most of my weekend to internet porn.

Poor David Letterman.  The man’s had a pretty rough run for a billionaire.  First he has a quintuple bypass, then a kidnapping plot, an extortion plot, a messy public affair and now a bunch of jihadists want to “cut out his tongue” because of some jokes he made about Osama Bin Laden.

Let me be the first to say that I think the jihadists are overreacting on this. When was the last time any of these muslim extremists took a look at the infidel offense/retribution scale?  It’s a bit imbalanced.

Desecration of holy land = KILL THE INFIDEL

Slander of Allah = KILL THE INFIDEL

Cut off in traffic = KILL THE INFIDEL

Left the toilet seat up = KILL THE INFIDEL

They also got Letterman’s religion wrong.  Several times he was referred to as “jew” and “zionist pig”.  Listen, Mr. Crazy Terrorist, just because somebody makes fun of Osama Bin Laden, works in the entertainment industry and has short curly hair doesn’t mean he’s Jewish and what’s so wrong about being Jewish, anyway?  That’s racist.  Don’t be racist.

I apologize if any jihadists take offense to this (I’m only assuming that a lot of extremists read this blog) but if you have a problem, feel free to offer a crazy empty death threat because I could totally use the free press.