Rep Anthony Weiner finally decided to resign from his post in Congress today. It was the right thing to do. Being pervy is bad enough but lying about it makes you untrustworthy. Most jobs wouldn’t urge you to quit if you were sexting a porn star (sorry, “featured dancer”) but when you’re in the position to help shape the direction of this country, it’s only fair that you’re held to a higher standard. It’s a shame because he was one hell of a politician. [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTlhFr1KYSU&w=560&h=349].

So what else is in the news this week?

Oh fuck Michele Bachmann is running for fucking president? Why can’t she leave people alone? If only there was a legitimate reason for her to resign…

I now know what I must do. I must seduce Michele Bachmann.

It won’t be easy. I’ll have to bump into her “by chance” hanging out at a city where she mistakenly thought a revolutionary war battle happened. Perhaps our hands will touch behind the bushes as we stake out a gay rights march. She’ll catch a whiff of my cologne and ask what that intoxicating scent is. “Eau de O’Reilly” I’ll respond. I’ll get close to her as deviants all around us try to destroy marriage and whisper into her ear that I’ve always thought if the founding fathers hated taxation without representation, what would they think of representation with taxation?

We’ll see each other again, at the Arizona/Mexico border, a klan rally, whatever. We’ll start emailing back and forth about secret muslims when she’ll ask if I want to see a picture of what the founding fathers fought for.

Nah, that’d never work. She’d probably find a way to blame flourescent light bulbs on the whole deal.

There’s a facebook protest a brewing for the annual Basillica of St. Mary’s Block Party in Minneapolis.  Stated in the “event” –

This was created to take a stand and let organizations, businesses and other groups know that it is NOT OK to support those that do not support equality and want to change the MN State Constitution to ban gay marriage. To make a real change, we need to start taking action now. Do not wait until you vote in 2012.

The Minnesota Catholic Church has made it their number 1 priority to define marriage in the State Constitution between one man and one woman, in tern, banning gay marriage. 

The Catholic Church has already spent millions of dollars in the production of Anti-Gay DVDs and lobbying the State Legislature to add this hateful amendment to the Minnesota Constitution. 

Please do not attend the Basilica Block Party this year. Please do not contribute money to a Catholic Church fundraiser while they are spending millions of dollars to write discrimination into the MN constitution. 

I also encourage you to contact the bands and stage sponsors. This is the time to get peoples attention, sponsors and businesses attention.

Cities 97 is the main co-sponsor of the event, contact them as well.

Thank You Paul Harding for the research*

(*research= going to the Block Party’s website)

The BBP has been going on for 15 years and slacktavists are now just realizing that the Catholic Church doesn’t cotton well to homosexuality. The church, in my opinion, is wrong but when have they been right about anything? That’s beside the point.

None of the money is going into homosexual reeducation camps, lobby money to outlaw rusty trombones or research to create a fully functioning Gaydar. All of the proceeds either go renovations of the church building or to the St. Vincent de Paul program, a charity that provides food and shelter to nearly 3,500 people a month.

Don’t protest Basillica Block Party because of it’s association with the Catholic Church. If you really want to make a statement, write a letter to the Archdiocese. Better yet, write your congressman.

Besides, there’s plenty of legitimate reasons to not go. It’s overpriced, parking is a nightmare and there’s only three bands worth seeing and you can probably catch them at First Ave. in a month for $15.
Whatever you do, facebook protests aren’t going to kill the Basillica Block Party. That’s Rock the Garden’s job.

I don’t need to tell any of you dear readers that my autobiography, The Falcon’s Call has sold over 10 million copies and been translated to 6 different languages. I had previously leaked excerpts on my MySpace blog before it was released and thought it would be nice to give a sneak preview to the unabridged version that will go to press with 300 new pages and a forward by Kurt Vonnegut’s ghost. Here’s some of chapter 6.

He woke me up by slapping me across the face. I tried to get up but noticed that I was tied to a chair. My grunts echoed off the damp, stone walls as I struggled to break free but my muscles were stiff and sore, my head swimming. I struggled to speak just to see if I could. “The bullet train…”

“The train and all of it’s passengers are safe thanks to you, Señor Young.  You seem to have a…knack for getting out of tough situations.”  Even with my vision blurred, I could tell that El Toro was looming over me, tapping the air bubbles out of a syringe.  “You get out of all these scrapes and save all these people, Señor Young, but you can’t save one poor, simple, Guadalajaran priest!”  He jammed the needle into my chest and pushed down on the plunger.  I bit down on my lip, not giving the bastard satisfaction of hearing me scream.

“What did you-”

“Adrenaline, Señor Young.  You lost a bit of blood and as much as I would love to see you slowly die in that chair, I have use for you.  I patched you up the best I can but I am used to drawing blood, not stopping it.”

I was definitely more alert now.  Alert enough to realize we were no longer in Morioka.  The air was thick with humidity.  I raced to think of how to escape when I notice he didn’t bother to take my cufflinks.  I carefully unhooked one and began to unscrew the disc from the bolt, making conversation to buy me time.  “We’re in the Phillipines.”

“Excellent deduction.   Just outside of Surakarta.”

“Mayor Jokowi wouldn’t like knowing you have me prisoner.”

“The law is not likely to find us out here.  It’s just you, me and Congressman Stone.”  El Toro turned on the light to reveal an unconscious Stone tied up to a chair in the corner of the room.   He slapped him in the face to wake him up and grabbed another syringe from the table.  I could feel the rope starting to give as I slowly sawed through it.  I needed to keep him talking.  “Going to give him some adrenaline, too?”

“Oh, no.  Our esteemed guest here only gets the finest Sodium Pentothal.”  He jammed the needle in the congressman’s neck.  “The congressman will tell us where the Amulet is and you will take me right to it with all your fancy false identities,  passports and security clearances.”

Stone started to show that the truth serum was taking effect.  El Toro would most likely kill him once he got the answers he wanted and as much as Stone deserved to die, he had to stand trial for what he’s done.  Having finally cut through the rope, I ignored the pain in my legs as I dashed to the table and grabbed a syringe.  “That amulet belongs in a museum and you belong in jail.  Let’s dance.”  I lunged at El Toro with all my might.

San Fransico…nians get to vote November on a bill to outlaw circumcision of anybody under the age of 18 in the city. The supporters who, seriously call themselves “intactavists”, say that it’s a form of genital mutilation that’s unnecessary, painful and even dangerous. Although many say it’s protected by the First Amendment, the intactavists (they actually call themselves that) say that religious practices aren’t protected if they’re too barbaric. Case in point –

KALI MAA!

As if turning a gag from the first episode of Arrested Development wasn’t ridiculous enough, intactavist and Jim Lee Art School of Huge Tits and Muscles graduate Mathew Hess created the superhero comic book Foreskin Man!

"Is that emblem on his chest a -" Yes. Yes it is.

Here’s the actual, not made up plot for Foreskin Man.

Miles Hastwick is the curator for the Museum of Genital Integrity in San Diego. When he’s not literally showing patrons exhibits such as a wax figure of a baby looking terrified as a doctor looms over him with a bloody scalpel, he flies around as Foreskin Man, protecting baby dicks from the evils of such villians as Dr. Mutilator and Monster Mohel.

Yes, Monster Mohel.

I first found Foreskin man after issue two prompted Gawker to point out its blatent anti-semitism. Hess stated that they’re “not trying to be anti-Semitic. We’re trying to be pro-human rights.”. You can go to foreskinman.com and read issue two for yourself or I can just describe it for you (Warning! Spoilers ahead!).

Miles Hastwick (aka Foreskin Man) goes on a date with a woman to her nephew’s bris. The mother decided to not have the baby circumcised but the father has different plans. Everybody’s having a good time when suddenly a 1920s political cartoon bursts through the door. At either side is a henchman sporting a yarmulke, ringlets and automatic weapons (I’m not jewish but I guess machine guns are a tradition thing?). Miles puts on his Foreskin Man outfit and beats the shit out of them. As he has Monster Mohel in a headlock, he blurts out “You th-think you’ve won, Foreskin Man? Jethro (the father) wants Glick (the unfortunately named baby) circumcised. I’ll just keep coming back until his foreskin is m-mine!” Foreskin Man realizes the Mohel who is also a monster is right so he kidnaps the baby and gives him to some hippies on the beach. They have a bonfire made out of stuff they stole from a hospital.

All in a day’s work for Foreskin Man!

The State of Alaska is going to release 24,000 pages of emails sent when she was Governor of Alaska. Seeing as she was governor for only three years, people are speculating as to what could possibly take up over 24,000 pages. I had a chance to look over them and can tell you it’s not just a bunch of chain mail forwards (although they do take up about 60% of the whole thing). Here’s a few samples.

From: “Gov. Sarah Palin” <youbetcha@state.al.us>

To:  “Lt. Gov. Parnell” <bidingmytime@yahoo.com

Subject:  That darn oil.

Hey, Sean.  I was watchin’ that old show The Beverly Hilbillies and in the opening that Jed fella just shot his ol’ musket in the ground when some oil started shooting out!  Well I got the idea that we got oil hiding in that there wildlife refuge but people don’t want us drillin’ so I’m just gonna hop on down and start shooting at the ground and see if any of that “bubblin’ crude” comes out!  Wish me luck!

From: “Gov. Sarah Palin” <youbetcha@state.al.us>

To:  “Todd Palin” <hunkyfisherman69@aol.com>

Subject:  Gonna be home late.

Sorry, babe, but I saw a wolf out my window and now I gotta hop in a helicopter to hunt it down.  Once I find that li’l feller I’ll eat his heart to gain his power.  Then mama bear will bring the rest of his mangled carcass back to you and the cubs!  Keep a light on for me!

From:  “Gov. Sarah Palin” <youbetcha@state.al.us>

To:  “Walt Monegan” <pscommisioner@state.al.us>

Subject:  YOUR QUEEN DEMANDS IT.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF MIKE WOOTEN!

Seriously, though.  Most of it is just pictures of cats and fundraisers to help out with Bristol’s high school “chastity cotillion”.

Yesterday was the last day of the school year for my stepson, Jared. For him this means sleeping in, video games, and general all-around freedom. For me, the stay at home step parent, this means something else entirely.

1. Hiding all the fun things I do while he’s at school. This means no more ice cream sundae breakfasts, neighborhood-wide nerf gun fights, helicopter rides and trips to the zoo (when there are no kids at the zoo they let you feed, pet and ride all of the animals. Super fun.).

2. Make him work in the mines! It’s really just a hole I dug in the back yard but I bet if he keeps going he’ll find buried pirate gold or something. Also, it’s not technically child labor if I don’t pay him anything.

3. Pretending learning is fun. Seeing that we’re on a budget, a lot of the places we go are going to be free. Free usually means educational. Libraries, museums and Como Zoo (they don’t let you do the aforementioned cool stuff when kids are around). Everybody knows there is nothing fun about learning but I’ll just have to suck it up and pretend it’s a blast. If he doesn’t like it, back to the mines with him.

Parenting is tough.

Note, I wrote this story about a year ago and posted it in facebook. I kind of have a thing for fake detective stories.”

Chapter 1

Nine in the morning is a little early for somebody to come into my office, considering the work I do. The summer sun is beating down on the window but the blinds are pulled all the way down. I don’t need the sun right now. I’m hungover, cranky and didn’t sleep.

Also, I’m a vampire.

She walks in wearing a red gown and red lipstick. Red like the blood that’s coursing through her veins. Blood I could smell since she entered the building. That sweet, bloody blood smell that my heightened vampire senses instinctively seek out because I’m a vampire. She sat down in the chair opposite my desk, a mere five feet away from the ultimate hunter. The vampire.

“I’m sorry I didn’t make an appointment. I’ve never needed to see one of… you before.”

A vampire? I chuckled in my head. “A detective?”

“Heh. I guess a lot of people feel silly walking in here.”

That little sarcastic laugh sent a shot of breath in my direction. Toothpaste, a bagel and blood. I could take this five hundred pound desk, fling it out from between us with my vampire strength and bite into her soft, warm neck. I would, had I not vowed to never take a human life to satiate my undead vampiric thirst.

She begins to speak again, the way a hamburger would speak to somebody who has given up eating meat but still really wants to. “My husband has been murdered. The police have written it off. They say he was attacked by wild animals.”

If only she knew there was a beast in the very room she sat. A vampire beast. “Wild animals?”

“Yes. There’s no physical evidence but he was torn limb from limb. He-” She begins to choke up, a tear runs down her face. Skin covering muscle tissue and blood. She pulls out a file and hands it to me. Pictures from the crime scene.

This work looks familiar.

“I know this sounds unusual. I’ve heard you’re specialty is unusual cases.”

“Unusual cases seem to find me.” They do that when you’re a vampire.

I rush her through the details. It’s been days since I’ve drank an animal’s blood. I only drink blood from animals. “My fee is $200 a day, plus expenses. I’ll contact you in a week with whatever I find”.

“$200 a day, plus expenses. Just like Rockford.” Except Rockford wasn’t a 350 year old vampire. “One more thing-” She grabs my arm as I show her the door “Your arm. It’s so cold.”

“I have the flu.”

“Is it contagious?”

“Only if you get too close”

She grabs my arm again again, still recoiling slightly from the cold, dead skin of a vampire. “There’s something you need to know about my husband.”

I look her in the eyes. I can hear her pulse quickening, pumping liquid ambrosia through her body. Her body that’s filled with my vampire version of heroin is now right next to me. She inhales.

“My husband was a mummy.”

Let me just start by saying I’m incredibly biased. I’m quite liberal and my goal is not to bring you information objectively. I’m not a journalist. Neither is Glenn Beck.

With that out of the way, Glenn Beck is starting his own online subscription based network because Fox News is just way too tame for him. He states it will be like “nothing you’ve ever seen on the internet” unless you’ve already seen Goatse.

On his new site Beck can really cut loose and call the President a white culture hating fascist without worrying about sponsors pussying out and not giving him money because he’s an awful human being. Just him and his subscribers telling it like it is. Dubbed GBTV (which hilariously sounds similar to GLBT), it won’t only have news but “fake news” with a “libertarian host to rival John Stewart and Stephen Colbert” because conservative leaning news satire is always hilarious (see The Half Hour News Hour. Actually, don’t see it. It was awful).

Frankly, I couldn’t be happier. Having his own pay-to-play site is one step below youtube celebrity. He’s basically entering a self imposed exile and taking only his most loyal yes-men with him.

The best part is now if I start talking to someone and they say they subscribe to GBTV, I can just walk away from the conversation without having to hear another word.

The USDA recently ditched the food pyramid in favor of a new “food plate” –

Courtesy of (taken from) cnn.com

First lady Michelle Obama is spearheading this project as part of her campaign to drive the North American Fat Kid to extinction.  She said the goal was to simplify nutritional information which is great because for the last 22 years I’ve been trying to arrange all of my meals in a pyramid shape and structurally, grains make for an awful foundation.

I do think this is a good idea, though.  Portioning your meals out to have fruit and veggies on one side, protein and grains on the other is a good, easy to remember way to balance out your diet.  I think more people should adopt the food plate philosophy –

The McDonald’s Food Plate:  Grease and starch on one side, diabetes and a cheap plastic toy on the other.

T.G.I. Friday’s Food Plate:  Cherry Marga-tinis on one side and Zesty Loaded Potato Dingers on the other.

College Freshmen Food Plate:  Ramen on one side and shitty keg beer on the other.

Soylent Green Food Plate:  IT’S PEOPLE! on one side and IT’S PEOPLE! on the other.

Vegan Food Plate:  Spinach and water on one side and a smug sense of superiority on the other.

Fox News Food Plate:  Palin and Bachmann on one side and I don’t care what you say I still think Obama’s a Kenyan Muslim terrorist on the other.

Food plate!

I’m doing a show tonight at Babe’s Lounge at the Paul Bunyan Bowl tonight in Brainerd, MN. Brainerd, along with Bemiji MN, Bay City MI, Eau Claire WI (seriously?), Bangor, ME and Saint-Eustache Quebec all claim to be home to this giant lumberjack. While we all know it’s just silly for fake people to have more than one hometown, nobody seems to like my idea of a Paul Bunyan hometown deathmatch (so far none of the mayors of the aforementioned towns have emailed me back).

The question most likely burning in your mind is why? Why do so many people want to claim Paul Bunyan as their own? To find the answer to why Paul Bunyan is so interesting you just have to look at some of his folklore. Here are some of the “tall” tales (get it?) associated with him.

*He dug the Grand Canyon by dragging his ax behind him. Pretty irresponsible but everybody decided to not argue with the giant man with the giant ax. Also, nobody cared because it’s Arizona.

*Created Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes when he and his also giant blue Ox, Babe wandered around blindly in a blizzard. Thousands of people died. Nobody argued. This also explains why every lake in Minnesota is either shaped like a giant boot or giant hoof.

*He formed Mount Hood by piling up rocks to put out his campfire. Soot from the campfire blackened the skies of Oregon for 6 months. Killing crops and starving the populace. People were going to complain and then saw the 50 foot tall ax.

*Left a giant, cheap looking, plaster statue of himself wherever he went for townspeople to pay tribute. It also served as a grim reminder that he could return at any time.

So let’s hear it for Paul Bunyan, the giant bumbling sociopath who cut a path of destruction through America proving all lumberjacks are giant jackasses.

Don’t even get me started on the Brawny guy.