There’s been a rash of violent crime in Uptown recently and as a resident of Uptown, I’m genuinely scared for my safety and the safety of my friends. Uptown is supposed to be a place where we can be free to drink shitty beer, enjoy organic produce at one of our 17 co-op stores (I belong to 15 of them) and bring our children to the park to play non competitive games like Chomskyball (every child is given a ball and is encouraged to discuss why referees are unnecessary).

It’s quite obvious that the police can’t be trusted to solve this so uptown residents should take care to travel in large groups. I suggest not going outside unless you’re part of a grown up scavenger hunt or bar crawl. To avoid confrontation, always have a longboard with you for a speedy yet hip getaway. Should you have to fight, there are some Uptown friendly self defense tips available to you.

-Knitting a roll of pennies into the end of your scarf can turn it into a stylish weapon that can be used in any weather!

– Fair trade, shade grown coffee heated to 190 degrees can be thrown into the face of an attacker giving you a moment to escape and peace of mind knowing that you’re helping sustainable farming.

– Organic chili peppers ground to a paste and put into an eco friendly spray bottle makes for a great homemade pepper spray.

In all seriousness, there’s been four attacks in the last week. Three guys, they have a gun and brass knuckles (where do you even get brass knuckles? Old timey weapons store?). Please be careful when traveling in uptown and don’t actually try the pennies-in-scarf thing unless you’re proficient in knit-fu.