This week, members of the Russian punk performance collective Pussy Riot were beaten and whipped by Russian Cossacks while protesting in Sochi. You may remember Pussy Riot as the punk band that went to jail for nearly two years because they tried to film a video in a church. They were released early in what members straight up said was a PR stunt by Putin leading up to the Sochi games.

Pussy Riot’s protest and subsequent beat down has shined an even bigger light on the troubling state of human rights and freedoms in Russia but this latest incident, which was well photographed, has raised even more questions. Questions like –



What the fuck is a “Cossack”?
I’ve heard it before and it sounds like something from Czar times over there. The dictionary term doesn’t help me at all –

It should say “bellhops in fezes that walk around with whips” judging by the picture.



Also, what the fuck is with the whips?
Seriously? Whips? Are these guys cops? Do they give cops whips over there? Did they sell all their guns and batons to the Syrian government and only have whips left? Who uses whips? That’s some Indiana Jones shit.



Has nobody else seriously made the “pussy whipped” joke?
When I typed the title for today’s blog I thought “Nah, there’s got to be, like, a million jokes about that right now” but I googled it and found nothing. I figured it would be a picture meme at this point. There’s gotta be something. I can’t be the first. That fruit is hanging way too low.



Though there are a lot of questions, it’s quite clear that it’s insane the Olympics are being held in Sochi. Fuck Putin.

Well here we are. I haven’t done a single blog this week and now my back’s up against a wall and forced to do one on Valentine’s Day as a divorced guy.







For five years Valentine’s Day was a breeze. You just shower your loved one with affection. As a single guy there’s so much ambiguity with Valentine’s Day. Frankly I’m happily single but with all the advertisement, sad single people shouting how Valentine’s Day is a bullshit corporate holiday just to hide their sadness etc. I really feel like I need to do something. I can’t simply ignore the holiday. I need to make some sort of declaration so here we go.



I know we’ve only been together a short time but every time with you I need to touch you, taste you. I never thought I could feel this way again but I want to be with you every day. I… love you. I love you, Cookie Dough Oreos




…okay that actually sounded way sadder than I thought it would.



Happy Valentine’s Day, fuckers!

Hey, friends! Here’s what I’ll be doing the next few days, jokewise! Come up and see me sometime!

TONIGHT!
I’ll be performing at The Benefit For Saint Mae Reinfeld. Mae is a friend of mine that got into a car accident and now has a bunch of medical bills to take care of. Other funny folks like Shannon Thompson and Patrick Bauer will also be doing jokes and awesome bands like The Drug Budget, Rapedoor, Trendy Trendy Space Vegans & The United Teachers of Music will be performing as well! There will be prizes auctioned as well and if you can’t make it out but still want to help Mae, you can donate online here!. Doors are at 7PM at Club Underground in NE Minneapolis



TOMORROW NIGHT!
Young and Fearless: A Day at the Courthouse will be happening at the Bryant-Lake Bowl in Uptown at 10PM! It’s a sketch comedy show made from submissions from different writers from around the twin cities and will also have some stand up from Joshua Florhaug and Lainie Lenertz. This is the fifth show in the series and the shows have been getting bigger and better every time. Come check it out!



NEXT WEEK:
I’ll be featuring at the House of Comedy all week for Jen Kober! Tickets and showtimes here!

Actual humorous content to resume tomorrow!

The Winter Games begin on February 6 and I will not watch any of the events for two big reasons. The first is an act of ineffectual slactivist protest against Russia’s stance on homosexuality. Most people know that Russia passed a bill outlawing “exposing minors to homosexual propaganda” last summer. This sparked protests that turned violent and many gay rights activists have been beaten, arrested and even beaten by police.



While this and other laws (such as one barring foreign same sex couples from adopting Russian children) have created an atmosphere of institutionalized homophobia in Russia, it’s not the only reason to boycott the Winter Olympics this year. The other reason I won’t be watching is because the Winter Olympics are fucking stupid and boring.



Seriously. Let’s just look at some of the events that I’ll be “missing out” on this year –

The most thrilling event in the Winter Olympics is just two layers of spandex away from being a very strange gay fetish porn (which makes you wonder why Putin would even allow this event). It showcases amazing athletic feats such as laying down, being aerodynamic and turning at the right moment. The only thing that makes this event exciting is the danger of possible crashes and the Olympic Committee added several uphill portions of the tracks this year to cut down on the speed and excitement of this game.




It’s the sport that’s so boring I’m certain even the participants only enjoy it ironically, it’s the sport that’s so boring the Canadians always dominate it. It’s the sport that combines all the thrills of sweeping with the excitement of slowly gliding rocks over ice. It’s Curling!




I don’t know if cross country skiing was so boring they added rifles to jazz it up or target shooting was too exciting so they added cross country skiing to cut the fun but the result is something I really don’t want to watch.



This protest is going to be easy even by slactivist standards.

Hey, there, open mic comics and Jena’s Ren Fest friends! Sorry about the lack of blogs in the last month but I’m back to a twice a week schedule starting next week and I thought I’d mark my return with a very important announcement! I’m going to murder my friends!



See, a while back a group of my friends from lunch money days started playing Settlers of Catan. I had never played the game before but really got into it right away and played it with them a few times on game night. This has been going on for a while but due to everybody having different work schedules and family obligations, we haven’t had a night where all five of us could get together and play the expansion. Tonight, however, we’ve all made sure that our schedule was clear so we could have a couple of games with the whole group.

It’s become a little tradition among us. Some games, some snacks, some beers, and some pre-game smack talk to get the blood pumping. Now, I’m not one to shit talk an opponent to try to psych them out but I will say this: I am going to humiliate these fuckers so bad that they will either die of shame induced heart attacks or commit a very well deserved suicide.



I hope you’re reading this Ben, Tony, Josh and Brian because you should spend the day getting your affairs in order. I will beat you so hard at Settlers of Catan you will fucking die. You will fall over dead at the table and I will squeeze out a little pinch of victory poo on your stupid dead loser faces.



Oh, but it doesn’t end there.



I’ll attend each of your funerals and tell everybody about the pathetic, humiliating circumstances of your demise. The once somber mourners will laugh and laugh in your face. I’ll bed your wives at the funeral and your mothers at the wake. Your children will grow up pariahs, the name they were given now synonymous with failure and shame. They’ll eventually band together and seek me out for revenge but they shall fall just as you did when they were pups and the cycle shall continue.



I am going to eat your fucking hearts.

Hey, sexy friends! Want to come see me tell jokes at you all jokey style? I’ve got two shows this month and here’s where they’re going to be!



COMEDY ROAST OF MR. SCROOGE!




The main character of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” is honored with a roast by the whole cast. The Cratchit family, Jacob Marley and all the ghosts will be there. I’ll be playing the role of the Ghost of Christmas Present which is great because I always love doing a set in a bathrobe! This show runs tonight through the 22nd at Camp Bar in Downtown St. Paul. Check out their site for showtimes and tickets!



NEW YEAR’S EVE AT THE MONDAY NIGHT COMEDY SHOW!




I’ll be ringing in the new year telling jokey jokes with Patrick Bauer, Wayne Burfeind and host Andrew Brynildson! The drinks are strong, the jokes are jokey and I will personally kiss everybody in the bar between 12:00 and 12:01, no matter how many people are there. I’ve been practicing and I can kiss about 3 people per second with tongue.



Come out and see me sometime!

Ten years ago I went to Grumpy’s in downtown Minneapolis to get a spot at a brand new open mic hosted by this new comic I met a couple times at ACME. It was in a narrow side room and the tiny stage was occupied by a soundboard and, for some reason, a man. A large, intimidating man with wild hair and a beard sat on the stage so comics had to perform in front of the stage while he loomed over him.

The comic was Chris Maddock and the ominous shadow was Stand Up! Records owner Dan Schlissel. Thankfully, they figured out that The sound board and therefore Dan didn’t need to be onstage. I kept coming back week after week because it was a fun room, my friends were there and they give a drink ticket to each comic that performs. Most open mics don’t do that. I’ve done at least 150 sets there. That’s a lot of free drinks.

Anyway, I’m not going to get too much into the history or how Grumpy’s open mic has gained a rep as the toughest room in the country because most of that was covered in a great vita.mn article that I would totally link but I’m writing this on an iPod. I will, however, say this.

Chris and his open mic are a shining example of one of the best qualities a comedian can have. Tenacity. There have been some really, really bad shows there. Horrible. Plenty of open mics have stopped under more favorable circumstances but Chris keeps going because comics need the stage time and I need the free drinks.

To celebrate 10 years of the toughest stage in the world Chris started today’s open mic at 11 AM and will keep going until bar close. You have no excuse to not go pay tribute to the most metal open mic host on earth.

Congrats, Madoo! Here’s to 10 more years and 10 more audience members!

The other day I won a TV at work but I already have a TV so I took it back to Best Buy and got myself a new iPod instead. The only problem I have now is what do I do with my old, cracked iPod? Looks like it’s time to make a craigslist ad to sell it! Here we go!



CL minneapolis hennepin co for sale / wanted electronics – by owner
Reply to: craigslist reply address will appear here Posted: 5 minutes ago
WANT AN IPOD TOUCH BUT DON’T HAVE MONEY? – $25 (UPTOWN)

HOW ABOUT YOU BUY A CRACKED IPOD FOR 1/10TH THE PRICE OF A NOT CRACKED ONE?

THAT’S RIGHT! I’M SELLING MY CRACKED IPOD. I BUSTED MY RAD BONE AND CAN’T HANDLE HOW FUCKING AWESOME THIS THING IS SO I’M READY TO SELL IT TO A WORTHY ADVENTURER.

SPECS:
*4TH GENERATION. SURPASSES THREE GENERATIONS OF IPOD TOUCHES.
*IOS 6. THE ONE THAT HAD ALL THE CRAZY INACCURATE MAPS.
*8 GIGS. STORE OVER 1,000 COPIES OF VAN HALEN’S “PANAMA”

*PERFECT WORKING CONDITION (aside from the occasional “panic” reboot)

BENEFITS FOR HAVING A CRACKED IPOD:
*IT LOOKS BADASS. CHICKS DIG SCARS. TELL GIRLS YOU BROKE IT FIGHTING NINJAS AND WATCH THE WAVE OF PUSS SWEEP OVER YOU.
*USE IT AS A SELF DEFENSE TOOL. SOMEBODY TRIES TO MUG YOU? BOOM. THEY GET 8 GIGS OF BROKEN GLASS AND VAN HALEN SONGS IN THEIR FACE.
*NOBODY TRIES TO STEAL A CRACKED IPOD. SERIOUSLY. I’VE JUST LEFT IT IN MY UNLOCKED CAR IN THE WORST NEIGHBORHOODS.

EMAIL ME TO UNLOCK YOUR FUTURE DESTINY AS AN OWNER OF A CRACKED IPOD TOUCH.
Location: UPTOWN
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Hurry and contact me while this amazing deal is available!

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I’m going to my aunt’s. For most holiday gatherings we do a potluck. The host takes care of the main dish and the guests all bring something like a side or dessert. For most of my life I was tasked with bringing the soda because it was the easiest thing to bring. A few times when I was a little short on cash my mom even slipped me a few bucks to go get the soda.



That all changed when I got married. Once you’re married your family sees you as more of an adult. I had finally been upgraded from bringing the soda to stuff like chicken salad or pie. It was an exciting time in my life. It didn’t always work out. Sometimes I’d get too ambitious. One Thanksgiving I tried to make a gluten free chocolate cake (my brother can’t eat gluten). The recipe called for honey instead of sugar to sweeten but I didn’t pay attention at the grocery store and accidentally bought some honey with lemon in it. The cake tasted like ass but failure’s a part of the learning process.



This year, however, I’m divorced. I’m well aware that my family just assumed that Jena made most of the food we brought (it’s true but I helped some!) so when my mom called me about Thanksgiving I asked her what I should bring. I also reminded her that if she says soda, that I’m 31 years old. There was a long pause, she told me she’d ask her sister what else was needed and hung up.



The other day she called me back and said “You can get a pre-baked apple pie at Cub for 3.00.”



Fuck that. You guys want apple pie? I’m making a goddamn apple pie because I am a fucking MAN. Just like any other man in this situation I’ll go to pinterest to find the most kickass fucking apple pie recipe to blow everybody’s fucking minds!



HOW ABOUT I BAKE AN APPLE PIE DIRECTLY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING APPLE, BITCHES?

Maybe after eating my delicious fucking baked goods I’ll finally be seen as a goddamn grownup.